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Saturday, December 30, 2006

Yearp, another post eventhough I posted one two days ago. Darn, I DON'T count the previous one as well, one. Had the urged to post up this one since I just realised something about myself.

Just a brief re-cap on my life in the past. A Jerk. Total Failure, Loser and etc. No no, I'm not saying I was like that, its just something about me back then who likes to blow things out of proportion. Kicking myself down to the ground was a favourite past time. Degrading my own work was something of a habit. I had such a pathetic self esteem that even a small group of people found it cute. Figures, I have no idea what goes through their mind, depression = cute. Wth. So yeah, I was quite a pessimist back then, teenage angst was turned on full speed. I always felt like I wasn't good in anything. Not in sports, studies, music or arts.

Those were the days, periods of my life where I was searching for an identity, searching for what I'm good at. Though, in the end, I didn't found anything.

I only found it way after that.

So yeah, what a dramatic opening. I just realised that back then, it was way impossible for me to be like, magnificent in anything, nor am I saying I am now. Though now, at least I know I'm A-Ok in certain things which I realised, that back then I was extremely horrible at last time. Take for example soccer, sure I was a diver last time, though its unintentional, just my low body mass. Now, I'm able to keep my ground, make timely tackles and score couple of goals if I really want to, that is like during shelter soccer.

Though, there is two aspects of my life that I know I'm not extremely great, nor am I talented to start with, but I'm proud of, which is music and arts.

Gawd, you have no effing idea how mediocre I was as a musician back then. I knew I couldn't be as great as Yngwie Malmsteen or Santana, but I realised my strength isn't in the technicality of the guitar. Its in the creation of songs itself is what I'm rather, not to say talented, but have a knack of. I know I started out horrible with the song 'Why' which is quite legendary among the Scarlet Soul's members by now, but I continued trying to make new songs after that, with songs such as 'Running Away' or 'Virgin's Said'. Don't mind the naming, it's Zali's.

In Arts, crap, I realised how I was struggling drawing hands in Art class, having difficulty trying to draw the image in my head. You have no idea how my anime drawings started at first, they were so horrible I almost pushed a fork in my eyes if I were to look at it again. Okok, won't diss my work, but just proving my point that I had to start somewhere. Though I won't say my recent drawings are incredible, but they are WAY better compared to the ones I first drew.

So what issit that I'm trying to derive here is that, I failed to learn back then that we all have to start somewhere, no matter how sucky its gonna be, or how pathetic its gonna turn out. We all have to start from not knowing how to do it, and learn from there and move forward. We can't expect to be great when we first start. Like how I started to draw horrible, or how I started to create songs which well, I think would make you collect bile in your throat.

Therefore, what I have to say for those who'd like to start off something new, don't give up if at first it turns out miserable. You'll learn from there and make a better one after that. Even if the progress is slow, you'll realise that you're much better than before. Criticism from friends are really nothing to be hurt from, if they flame you over something unrelated, kick their ass back. I grew from taking opinions from others. From there, I create a style of my own. And I stick with it.

Phew, ok felt relieved after writing that down. I just wanted to vent out those thoughts after being reminded of my past. Glad I had a good change for these past few years.

arfandi used up his time at 10:56 PM

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