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Friday, May 18, 2007

"I admit I'm behind alot of people but I don't need you people to snigger at me and tell me things that are already obvious to me."

Haha, ok just wanted to let that out. Its just an answer to the pessimism in the depth of my heart. You know, that our heart likes to venture into the dark side of the moon and makes you think negatively. I still have no idea why we like to take the bad things in life and blow it out of proportion to make it look like its of a significant deal. Is it the need to make you gain pity from others, make your situation pitiable that it'll attract attention from people who'd never give a second look? Guess wallowing in the dull ache seems more bearable than feeling pain, facing the full brunt of the force.

I've had my own fair share of being pessimistic about the things around me. I could have chosen to look at it in a better perspective but I chose to look at it in a negative way. Feeding my eternal angst during teenage life was as easy as ignoring everyone and convincing myself that everyone's out to get you. Pretty stupid huh? Though that's exactly what happened. I won't deny that I was asking for pity but I can't understand, why I needed so much pity at that time. Attention? Thinking back, guess I was still an incomplete person with an incomplete personality. Loneliness seemed so distant, but it was neverending back then. Constant dull feeling in your heart at every single waking hour of my life. Bottom line is, teenage angst for me was extremely overblown.

Though I'm not saying that I'm a very, very optimistic person now. I'm just saying that I'm able to tell myself, "There's two side of things around here. Think!". Growing up and coming to terms with things are just one thing to toughen your mentality and allows you make your decision with a better view of the situation. These day, I rarely get angry unless someone aggravates me.

One emotion that I really hate the most is 'guilt'. It's that gnawing sensation in your heart. It's not exactly painful but just extremely annoying. It's extremely persistent no matter how much you try to redeem yourself. I've felt that feeling one too many times I guess. Like the first time I lied to my mum, the first time I skipped school and all the bad things I did for the first time. But, maybe it's good I still have a sense of guilt. It's sad when a person loses the feeling of guilt.

"I'm not going to waste all my time being regretful of what I did in the past. The reality is now. Living it, is what I need to do."

arfandi used up his time at 8:20 PM