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Saturday, July 07, 2007

"Have you ever felt that gnawing feeling in your heart, when you see someone that's dear to you walk away from you?"

Guess exploring what it means to love someone isn't really what I'm good at. I mean, I got told before that I suck as a boyfriend, just because I didn't know the way I should hold her hand, that I should be walking in her right side, that I should shut up when the need arises and what not. Guess I've never been humiliated like that in my life before, but what is humiliation anyway? Its just that gnawing feeling in yourself that keeps telling you everyone is sneering at you when they're not. Such a pompuous and arrogant emotion.

Somehow, I deserved it of some sort.

I mean, I was trying to intrude into another person's life with little or no regard to what the consequences is gonna be. That kind of bulldozing, and one track mind is the kind of a person I was. When I heard about something my friend said, it kind of make me feel extremely disappointed with myself in the past. "She doesn't care about anyone else, she just cares about her own happiness. As long as she gets it, other people life's are trampled just to acquire it". I felt totally horrible after hearing that, bulls eye.

I knew what kind of a jerk I was. Even a total idiot would know that. It is even more disappointing, when you know you're wrong but you just don't know what to do to redeem yourself. I knew I had to change, though at that point of time, getting a partner wasn't really an immediate priority, but either way, I needed to redeem myself. I wanted to give myself a second chance. That I could love someone for real, that I could actually love them for who they are, not for what they are. You get what I mean. At that period of time, between just graduating Secondary School and end of first year Poly, I tried to mend the friendship between most of the girls that I've dated. Why? I don't know, I just felt that I needed to. That I owe them at least an explanation, that the breakup wasn't for nothing. That each and every break up I went through, I changed. Changed for the better. I don't know how many times I got depressed for being told "Hey, if we break up, you can find some other girl you can hang out with"..

Not sure which period of time though, that I got to meet back again with 'her'. The first girl that I've loved. Well, currently loving blissfuly. It was kind of an awkward reconciliation, whichever you want to put it, cause when we met, I think we just exchanged number or something. I don't particularly remember, cause at that point of time, I thought its just gonna be a simple hey and see you again kinda thing. Once she went over to board the train at the middle platform at Jurong East, a friend of mine told me, that I was lucky to have a pretty girl like her before. That was the most simple and kind of weird trigger for me, cause alot of memories came rushing through me. Though, I didn't fall in love with her immediately at that point, though some people would actually do. I didn't want to put myself in that kind of familiar reverie whenever I got nostalgic and some sort. Yearp, nostalgic-ness, if ever that word exists, stung me quite effectively. Shrugging off the feeling was hard though.

Damn it, and I actually fell in love with her again, real hard. Fine, that was rather corny. If you were to tell me to describe how someone falls in love would definitely be, incredibly corny. I wonder why.

Chatting with her, I wonder, made me got to know alot about her. I used to disagree with her all the time, my ego getting the better of me. Everything she says doesn't bode well with me, I wonder why. Why was I so adamant on always being the right one? Not that I'm not push over or anything, but guess growing up makes you realise that there are certain things that you know has no meaning if you keep pushing on. Guess, there are some things not worth fighting for. Vice versa. Despite knowing that she loved someone else at that point of time, I wonder why I kept holding on. Holding on with such grit that I didn't know I possessed. I mean, she was loving someone else while I'm loving her, it reminded me too much of those typical drama on the tv.

Then came a point when she told me that she's having a bumpy journey with that person she loves. I was tempted to tell her how I felt for her but instead, I helped her to solve the issue, kinda, by hearing out her problems. I guess, I got used to being the person she talks to about the person she loves. I couldn't make her worried by being sad about it though. Loving someone is wishing happiness for that someone right? That's exactly what I was doing. Ok, you people at the back must have thought I had no guts right? Wrong. I didn't want to take advantage of her when she's at her lowest point in life. That's, just wrong.

Somehow along the way, I got to tell her my feelings. The whole atmosphere was so similar to waiting for my 'O' level results. Seriously. Honest, I'm not joking with you. As anti-climax as it can be, she likes me too. Yearp, -the end-. Ok fine, just joshing with you. Though I wonder, shouldn't this part be more incredible and more exciting, stringed with fireworks in the air and stuff? Though at that moment, I just felt it was, perfect. Though a relationship doesn't just stop where two people confesses their love, that's just too story life. Life goes on right after that. We didn't immediately date or watch movies or that kind of sort. I wonder, guess it was as normal as it can be, but just with convictions in our hearts that we're getting somewhere.

Buying a rose, a white one that is, for someone was something new for me. Seriously, finding one was extremely hard. Fine, it wasn't but for a dunce like me, it was particularly hard. Why the rose all of a sudden? It was her graduation night on that day. Though seeing that she received quite a couple of gifts from others, when I looked at my rose, it felt kind of small. Really small. Though, I got to see a woman running with her heels. That was something new. I wonder why, she was extremely anxious, hasty in her steps, yet I had a constant smile on my face. Seeing her in a dress, in heels, her hair done, even if she tries to deny it but that night, she's beautiful.

"And yet, when that someone comes back into your life, don't miss this chance. Or you'll regret it."

arfandi used up his time at 5:15 PM

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