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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Excerpt from 17 Aug 2006.

Dear,

That's a funny way to start the whole mail, huh? Sounded rather corny but have no idea how to start off. Wonder how's everything on your side.

Actually, I've got alot of things that I want to talk with you about. Honestly speaking, I'm very disappointed in myself. I've cried in my sleep a couple of times, trying to figure out how foolish I was. Currently, I know I'm making another foolish mistake again, I've been skipping my business for the time being cause I can't bear looking at they're faces when I say I've been kicked out of school. I don't think I can handle the workload from that place any time soon. I feel so guilty cause my friends from there needs me, but I'm here fighting my own battles. The battle that has been dragging for far too long. I'm hating who I've become again, its bringing me haunting memories of back then in secondary school. The feeling of uselessness. I can't help that things have turned out this way, but I'm currently in need of someone, my pillar of strength for me to hold on to. I'm so scared right now to even tell my mum. I'll tell her one day, but my heart will definitely break. I'll be disappointing my dad also. My sister will be disappointed at me too.

But, I still think that is the right thing to do. I've been lying far too much. They deserve the truth, and what happens goes from there. I won't break down, I won't yield to my emotions. Even if my mum will be disappointed, I'll still smile and assure her. I won't make anymore empty promises. I want my life back. I want it back so dearly. Maybe I'm lost, cause I lost myself in the midst of chasing after something so dear. Yet, I've misjudged and forgotten the promises that I've spoken, the promises I must keep.

And I've definitely disappointed you, and I'm really sorry. I don't know if I deserve your forgiveness, I've been so wrapped up with my business, with my problems, with my school, that, I've forgotten to message you nor ask whether you're ok or not. I'm sorry, and I know that word comes out of my mouth all too easily, but I have no idea in what other way to express this.

Things have been going hectic in my life, I'm feeling horrible these days, is all due to my own selfish actions. Just feel like you needed to know this, cause I really misses you alot. And I still am, but I don't think you've seen me this down and wrecked before. I want to be able to smile like before, back when my life was just right. But it all have to start with me.

I didn't know I was a wrecked.

arfandi used up his time at 9:53 AM

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